Bad Stock Art

Women are made to look like idiots. A lot. It’s kind of the hallmark of advertising. You’d think that would make this image useful. It doesn’t.

Iron Woman

My favorite stock photography site claims this is a mixed-race father and daughter. This may well be true, in which case, bless you and your diverse genetic beauty. But, could you put some shirts on and stop having face sex with the camera? Thanks.

Creepy smile for Daddy. Gross.

Didn’t know black face was on the relaxing spa menu.

I'll have the full-body dookie facial.

The pensive cat gets the bird.

Put a bird on it.

Let’s try and guess what the debate is all about: Did they A) eat a bunch of LSD and start tripping hard during their meeting or B) get sent to the afterlife after Brad finally lost it and shot up the place?

Whichever it is, someone needs to die.

Well, this customer certainly is getting serviced – hey-ohhh! Seriously though, could this be any more perverse? Maybe if Mom was in there too.

Mommy, Daddy's giving us ice cream again!

Well, she’s probably pretty useless considering she’s squirming around in a onesie bathing suit and freaky disco goggles while taking phone calls. Plus, that big condom hat over her ears must make it pretty hard to hear.

Thanks for calling Synchronized Disco Swim Freaks, how may I direct your call?

Notice there aren’t really any lawyers. Thanks image search.

Oh no! I see a verdict in your future.

You have the right to remain creepy.

Let's go to THAT Denny's.

Gangstas keep their laptops real. With gold plating and Norton handgun security. Bang!

Don't make me fucking kill you.

No one sees my nips coming
before I blast them.

Bang Bang!

Freeze!

Freeze!!

Freeeeze!!!

FREEZE!!! Or no lap dance!!!

Freeze!! The 80s are over!!

Oh, here's your bullet.

FREEZE!!! I need you...

Well, she is serious about one thing: hot dance moves. And don’t think I didn’t notice her fiery red hair blowing in the breeze; I did. The breeze was most likely caused by the fan they deliberately set up to make her look awesome.

90s jeans meet 70s dance moves -
not sure if they're designed for that

I know, I know. “People” is a vague search term – so I deserve what I get. But that doesn’t dilute the uselessness of this super soft porn illustration. The title of the image is “Interactive Touch”. No, really. Which makes me think Phil Collins might be holed up in his attic scribbling out PG-13 illustrations of his songs.

She seems to have an interactive touch - Yeah!

Here we go again with the search fails. No dog. Not even a girl really. Just some dude’s fantasy rocket boob lady.

Mrs. Roboto doesn't need a damn dog.

Well, at least there’s a dog is in this one… a little too much dog. According to the photographer, they’re dancing…. a sensual dance between woman and dog junk.

Better put on some long pants
before the red rocket busts a move.

I’m not normally pleased by daily stock photography search fails. But look at this badass! Who needs a stupid dog when you have sexy ninjas with throwing stars?? I think all my ads will feature lethal sex ninjas from now on.

Keyword search sneak attack!

There are infinite stock photos featuring the early 90s. Yes, I get to pay for 20-year-old photos because stock photography subscriptions are bullshit.

Yes, Mr. President? Yeah, we've nuked Kuwait. Yes, sir.
Affirmative. Huzzah to you too, sir.

I suppose the future is in our hands. Our giant fucking golden gypsy hands.

Gypsies will eventually take over the middle east

Stock photography basketball… Buck Rogers League.

You can really feel the madness.

Here’s another one for all you list pervs out there. I have no idea why memes go viral all over the internet – other than being all porny – yet here I am, making fun of crap in no particular order. Yet, for some reason, ANY collection of stock photos of the same subject matter has the internet reeling. So, to satiate internet appetites, I’m going all list fetish all over your faces. Have fun, wackos. Damn, I’m a bitter old coot. Someone should offer me a book deal already.

I'm eating

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Nuclear popsicle?

Women really don’t know how those things work.

HAHHAhaHAHAhahahaHHAAHAHAHAhahaHAHA

Hungry Hungry Hippy

Busta Donut

Um, don't eat that.

Ummmmmmmm - I should call somebody about this