Bad Stock Art

Alice in garbage-land? It is mighty sad and astonishing the number of undoubtedly male photographers who get off by supplying models with t&a revealing wardrobes – whether or not it has anything to do with the subject matter. And what is the subject of this shot anyway? Burning trash? Is the whole house burnt down? Where’s the Cheshire Cat?

We're shooting for a new magazine, "My Nonsense Fantasies". Should be on bottom shelves in 7-11 by next year.

© copyright 1999-2010 Getty Images, Inc.

Yeahhhhh, we’ve all played that game with Mom’s latex gloves floating in the sink. What we all didn’t do is expect people to pay money for pictures of playtime. These sorta remind me of a zombie coming at me trying to grab my boobs – if I had boobs.

Zombie gloves need love, too.

You really shouldn’t sell your 3rd grade student’s school project to a major stock photography site. There are child labor laws, you know.

Mommy, can I go out and play now??

© copyright 1999-2010 Getty Images, Inc.

Ahhh yes. You can see the anguish in her eyes. You can touch the pain in her corduroy hat. You can taste the savory relevance to my image search in the broken glass shards… Bellissimo.

Will this make me happy?

We’re back y’all!!! Back from the deadly grip of a hacker and his hundreds of yellow CG zombie arms. Nearly lost us into a CG sea for eternity.

Yes, you in the back...

okay, so, did this kid just high five a rainbow? excuse me, high ten. also, do people know what a lens flare filter is? it’s a button you click in photo shop that makes your composition instantly look like crap.

Mommy, the rainbow touched me...

HoLee Shit. Can you really get away with selling shit that looks worse than clip art? Worse than a child could do? Worse than a color blind horse’s ass that just dropped it’s pile of poo on a blind man’s lap and the blind man made a painting of it and another blind man scanned it into illustrator and then traced it? Can you really??? Apparently you can.

Our maker doesn't love us!

Yeah, didn’t need the zombie kids as much, but yes, they are nice..

Braiinnnnns!

And as if they weren’t useless enough, let’s go for photoshop bloody murder:

We said ... BRRRRAAAAAIIINNNNNS!!!!

Look, photogs, if you have a bad shot in your reel – DON’T. SELL. IT. No one wants it. Also, sorry kid, but when you grow up and you’re a little-known broadway understudy you’re going to look back at this and … well, you’ll probably be proud of it. Never mind.

I'm a child who is shouting!

Sorry ITT tech, we don’t want your student work. Thanks anyway.

Surprise! Nobody wants me!

Is that Angela from The Office? Man, did her career explode. You could almost say her career is on fire.

Even the hottest stars have to start somewhere.

That’s a wrap! Great performance, everyone. Thanks for your dedication and hard work in really nailing this elusive emotion. Fortunately, the clown make-up and the little kid punching your face really helped us get into the character. Totally realistic.

Surprise! Child punches hurt the most!

Man, I’ll never catch up to that floating dollar with these tiny legs. Also, that weird shaft coming out of my skull concerns me a little. Maybe I should see a doctor…

Fat head chasing his dreams

Hi, I’m a photographer. I take pictures for people who give me their money. No matter how hard you try, some photos look like complete ass. Like when a kid is blinking in the freakin shot. In those cases, I would never have the audacity to sell the ass photo to a client. Except on the internet.

Ouch! I'm possessed by Lucifer!

Ohhhhhhh, you thought you were done looking at stupid painted metallic hands. Nope. It never ends. EVER!

FEEL my glitter sheen!!

Nor do the objects held by metal hands:

I have an idea - STOP WASTING FILM!!

Note to professional models seeking work: if you get propositioned by a motivated photographer with buckets of metallic body paint: RUN AWAY. Otherwise you’ll have to get naked and paint yourself up for a never-ending photo shoot featuring you and your glittery, submissive skin. If you’re that desperate for cash, be sure you get paid up front and say ‘no thanks’ to a percentage of the royalties. Because no one is going to buy that shit.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

It really never ends…

High 5 on fumes!

I have a cup.

Oh, I get it! An astronaut is coming out of my laptop to dust my fireplace! What convenience! But, what I don’t get is, how do you dust in zero gravity? The dust would just float everywhere. Other than that, this is TOTALLY realistic and NOT making me want to sear my eyelids shut – forsaking vision for the rest of my life. Not at all.

What photoshop diarrhea would look like in zero gravity.

Ohhhhhhhh, so close. It was ALMOST the BEST IMAGE EVER. If only Snuggles had looked up at that moment like Stinky and Twinky. Oh well, let’s sell it to a stock photo site anyway.

Pictures of your cats do not an advertisement make.

While pictures of upset children are amusing enough, some photographers like to step it up a notch.

Fuzzy tears.

The search for “fur hat” unleashed an amazing avalanche of crazy – presumably because only crazies wear fur hats. We’ll let you decide…. This appears to be a child that has been abducted by a sasquatch.

"You cute. Bigfoot keep."