Bad Stock Art

Maybe I’m not post-ironic enough to get this one. Are they singing the national anthem?

Meow meow meowwwww Meow Meow Meowwwwwwwwwwww - Woof!

Well, she is serious about one thing: hot dance moves. And don’t think I didn’t notice her fiery red hair blowing in the breeze; I did. The breeze was most likely caused by the fan they deliberately set up to make her look awesome.

90s jeans meet 70s dance moves -
not sure if they're designed for that

I know, I know. “People” is a vague search term – so I deserve what I get. But that doesn’t dilute the uselessness of this super soft porn illustration. The title of the image is “Interactive Touch”. No, really. Which makes me think Phil Collins might be holed up in his attic scribbling out PG-13 illustrations of his songs.

She seems to have an interactive touch - Yeah!

Here we go again with the search fails. No dog. Not even a girl really. Just some dude’s fantasy rocket boob lady.

Mrs. Roboto doesn't need a damn dog.

Well, at least there’s a dog is in this one… a little too much dog. According to the photographer, they’re dancing…. a sensual dance between woman and dog junk.

Better put on some long pants
before the red rocket busts a move.

I’m not normally pleased by daily stock photography search fails. But look at this badass! Who needs a stupid dog when you have sexy ninjas with throwing stars?? I think all my ads will feature lethal sex ninjas from now on.

Keyword search sneak attack!

There are infinite stock photos featuring the early 90s. Yes, I get to pay for 20-year-old photos because stock photography subscriptions are bullshit.

Yes, Mr. President? Yeah, we've nuked Kuwait. Yes, sir.
Affirmative. Huzzah to you too, sir.

I suppose the future is in our hands. Our giant fucking golden gypsy hands.

Gypsies will eventually take over the middle east

Stock photography basketball… Buck Rogers League.

You can really feel the madness.

Photographers really know how to bring out the emotions deep within all of us. Someone really captured granny’s inner shock and awe.

Shock

Awe

Shock Awe Shock Awe Shock Awe Shock Awe Shock Awe Shock Awe Shock Awe Shock Awe

I hate jumping. Hate. I may never jump ever again. It was somehow digestible as advertising in the 80s – or maybe people made fun of it then too, I’m not sure. I was too busy watching cartoons and being warped by tv commercials. The sheer  scale of this soul-crushing avalanche of bullshit is frightening. Why? Why is this considered the go-to gesture by photographers and advertisers? WHY?? I hate it and can’t wait for it to die.

Brace yourselves and your fragile minds… this could take awhile.

Synergy!!

My balls!!

Your balls!!

What balls!?

Ballers!!

As my generous contributor said, no explanation needed.

Big thanks to ANOTHER ANONYMOUS FAN for finding this magical monstrosity.

We all know sex appeal moves products. Sex appeal especially moves sex products, which is the only type of packaging I can imagine this photo being used for. Or maybe on the cover of my monthly adult newsletter, “Off-Duty Clowns in Leather”.

Jack Rabbit Slim guaranteed to double pleasure!
No man required!!

Here’s another one for all you list pervs out there. I have no idea why memes go viral all over the internet – other than being all porny – yet here I am, making fun of crap in no particular order. Yet, for some reason, ANY collection of stock photos of the same subject matter has the internet reeling. So, to satiate internet appetites, I’m going all list fetish all over your faces. Have fun, wackos. Damn, I’m a bitter old coot. Someone should offer me a book deal already.

I'm eating

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Nuclear popsicle?

Women really don’t know how those things work.

HAHHAhaHAHAhahahaHHAAHAHAHAhahaHAHA

Hungry Hungry Hippy

Busta Donut

Um, don't eat that.

Ummmmmmmm - I should call somebody about this

I suppose this is the business world’s version of the Calvin peeing on your opponent sticker. You could place your rival company’s logo beneath his blast area and then sit back and revel in the satisfaction of shitting all over them. That’s the free market for you.

I've done a shit-ton of modeling.

Okay, I see how it is. Due to a recent and inexplicable explosion of a stock photography meme about women eating salad – I’ve come to realize you damn people want your stupid stock photography in a nice little list. Oh, the whole damn blogging world just loves their stupid blogger lists. You think I can’t make lists?? Oh, I’ll make a list all over your stupid face!!!

Delicious 90s salad - I get jiggy with salad!

Learn to draw huge bangs in precision detail at the Art Insitute of Chicago

I'm surprised Sandra Bernhard let someone draw her with her clothes on

Stick it in your salad hole.

Better stay on that diet, fatty fat fat.

Stare at it!!! It's beautiful!!!!!!!!

Oh, you want another list? You want another one? Here you go.

Pregnant Women Eating Salad

Hahaha my baby loves apples! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH!!!

Oh yeah... you wanna watch while I impregnate myself with greens?

Gotta blow on this salad, it's too hot!

When I eat a apple I touch myself.

Oh yeah bitch? Watch me eat MY apple - grrrrrr

You want more, tough guy? Well by all means, coming right up….

So, I think the photographer is trying to illustrate two fugitive kneecaps wearing disguises, while still wearing the standard penitentiary stripes. Duh, stupid kneecaps, you need a trench coat or something or the warden is gonna get you! Dumb ass kneecaps.

I thought you were bringing the shank!

Let’s just go ahead and reinforce that cartoon hobo stereotype. It’s much easier to rationalize the plight of actual humans living on the streets if we constantly picture them as buccaneers laid off by Captain Hook.

Can you spare a bit-part in a Disney movie?

big thanks to @Crachapelle for this spot-on example of useless stock photography – the rest of you should try to be  a little more like @Crachapelle

Goddamn aliens taking all the good jobs. I bet he hired all those green humans so he wouldn’t feel so awkward having bright green skin. Or maybe the jag who created this doesn’t know how to use Photoshop.

Repeat after me, "Diverrrrrrsity".

I suppose I should’ve expected to return search results for the keywords, “mummy, lotus flower, snake, cow, skull, douche” when I typed “male arms folded”. It’s the accurate power of search that makes the internet so wonderful.

Is that a snake in your pants or are we just lost in the afterlife?