Bad Stock Art

The stupidity of this stock photo speaks for itself. But not for long.

Cut. It. Out. No don't. Really, don't.

Well, this customer certainly is getting serviced – hey-ohhh! Seriously though, could this be any more perverse? Maybe if Mom was in there too.

Mommy, Daddy's giving us ice cream again!

Well, she’s probably pretty useless considering she’s squirming around in a onesie bathing suit and freaky disco goggles while taking phone calls. Plus, that big condom hat over her ears must make it pretty hard to hear.

Thanks for calling Synchronized Disco Swim Freaks, how may I direct your call?

I suppose the future is in our hands. Our giant fucking golden gypsy hands.

Gypsies will eventually take over the middle east

Stock photography basketball… Buck Rogers League.

You can really feel the madness.

So, I think the photographer is trying to illustrate two fugitive kneecaps wearing disguises, while still wearing the standard penitentiary stripes. Duh, stupid kneecaps, you need a trench coat or something or the warden is gonna get you! Dumb ass kneecaps.

I thought you were bringing the shank!

I always wanted to chuck my floppy disks as hard as I could at Leena from HR’s face – but I always fought the urge. Thankfully, this photo illustrates how awesome it would’ve looked.

Heads up, diskhead!

The image title is, ahem, “stock-photo-two-young-women-wear-gas-masks-connected-to-each-other-for-a-unique-photograph”. I smell a Lifetime original movie. Or maybe I just smell someone else’s breath attached to my face by a hose. Maybe Lifetime will sponsor the Human Centipede sequel.

Lesbian Centipede (only on Lifetime)

Yep. The future is looking pretty bleak. At least we’ll still have cookies to get us through the hard times. Or maybe they’re making diarrhea cookies. Those would stink.

I don't want corn in mine! I like nuts!

Thank you ANONYMOUS FAN for sharing this gas mask fetish with us.

This has to be the most bitchin party scene ever concocted by the mind of man. This psychedelic electro jam is entitled, “Barack-Obama-3D-model”. If you ever want to throw down, do it with the president, a giant and futuristic electro drugs.

Gimme some fist jab

WOW. This really isn’t a competition, but this is THE WORST STOCK IMAGE OF ALL TIME. “The Nothing People”???? WTF?? This is a superb indie rock album cover, but a HORRIBLE illustration. The title the “artist” gave to this illustration is “pen and ink drawing of blind people”. Really? You think these are blind people, really?  Blinded by nothingness! Blinded by Zero! What a pile of shit.

We have a winner.

Oh, another BIG THANKS to @pagalina for referring me to the search term ‘disabled adult’ … it has turned out to be a gold mine of horrific nonsense. Go ahead, see for yourself…

Oh, I get it! An astronaut is coming out of my laptop to dust my fireplace! What convenience! But, what I don’t get is, how do you dust in zero gravity? The dust would just float everywhere. Other than that, this is TOTALLY realistic and NOT making me want to sear my eyelids shut – forsaking vision for the rest of my life. Not at all.

What photoshop diarrhea would look like in zero gravity.

Yep, another super fabulous artsy photoshop series – I’m going to call it, “Photoshop Sextasy”

Oh yeahhh, render that bitmap all over my face.

And a little creepier, but equally nonsensical and pseudo-dramatic sensual.

You're so hot when your skin slides off your face.

Well, I didn’t plan to make out with a sensual man and his waffle cone today, but … I can’t …. look away…. must … lick…

Man impregnates ice cream with face

Honestly, I don’t even know what to write here. This is just a terrible illustration which cannot be used anywhere. Also, I feel like I’m staring into her skull via her nasal passages on the right… Just wanted to share.

Look into my brain when I shout at you!

So, you’re shouting into a magnifying glass in the middle of the desert … is the overwhelming part that your tongue is searing from the sun rays or that nobody came to your meeting on a sand dune?

Can anybody hear my big mouth??

Some illustrations are better than others. This one is not. I’m not even sure how this constitutes a child.

Oh, to be a young mutant freak again...

Um, so, in what way is she tired? And what idea/emotion is she supposed to be expressing? Zany? Psychotic? Wasting my life?

And while she doesn’t appear the least bit sleepy, she sure makes me tired… tired of the “balloon head caricature” treatment. This trend will not die. This is our first balloonhead and, I assure you, there will be hundreds more. In my mind, there’s nothing more half-assed than scaling someone’s head in photoshop and passing it off as a “caricature”.

Kiss me, I'm trendy.

Well, it certainly is crazy. Searching for ‘crazy’ stock art is an equally slippery slope of nonsense and intense hilarity. It makes my job take forever, but damn it sure is fun. Of course, I don’t have clients in the high-fashion industry, where this would be filed under “fabulous”.

Does this jump rope make me look fierce?

Help! I’m falling and I can’t stop blasting my nips!

Note to self: titty twister