Join us on a journey through time and space … where typical, sexist nonsense is laid out before you in an undulating rope swing of fantasy. Also, buying our product makes all your man dreams come true. Thanks pagalina for this fantastical reader submission:
Advertising: where things that will never happen happen.
Look, people…. it’s not that we WANT to keep posting semi-nude Hooters girls trying to be sexy models – it’s that WE HAVE TO. If I have to look at them, you have to look at them. I’m at work, see? I’m not at home, enjoying my Hooters Girl Calendar in the privacy of my creepy computer room in the basement. I’m trying to find images for advertising for clients OTHER THAN HOOTERS while my boss is in the room. Is anyone else annoyed yet?
So, you want the focal point to be my stool, right?
And another classic example of the pervy photographer convincing eager models that this image will definitely make them a star!!!!
How can I possibly use this image???? Tell me, I'm asking.
Um, she appears to be happy. Oh yes, she’s threatening to unleash happy all over your stupid face.
Don't make me make you happy... I'll do it.
Yep, it’s another half nude, decapitated woman selling chocolate this February. Or maybe she’s selling an ab workout video. Or a tattoo parlor. Or shoes.
Want some candy?
High fashion. Or maybe just high. The description of this image is “fashion woman in abstract pool”. But, I don’t think it’s abstract at all – I think it’s clear and literal: she’s wading through pudding after getting punched in the face during a radiation tan and wears the protective plastic ear mask to avoid getting cancer and eating some candy. What? You don’t want tan lines… How do you avoid them, dumbass?
Does this pool of pudding make you want me?
It's freeeezing outside my warm pudding bath!
Yes, they’re getting it on – on an upright urinal that is shaped like an open mouth with full lips. I guess the urinal cakes are shaped like breath mints.
Pee mine!
I’m struggling to decide what in the flashdance she is supposed to be doing. Even if I was casting sexy nylon prostitutes in the Flashdance sequel, she still wouldn’t get a call back. Also funny, the official name of this image is: Portrait Attitude 3. As if it needed to seem more like the finale of an epic porno trilogy.
I am pregnant with sex flames! Fear my attitude!
And the milky goodness keeps on coming… we told you this shit is everywhere. Also, can I just add …. I want everyone to scan their brains to remember the last TV commercial or ad or junk mail that featured nipples. Woman nipples. That’s right, you’ve never seen it. Except on porn sites you perv.
Milk milk lemonade... one more shot, my rent is paid...
Seriously!? Why are there so many naked women in stock art??
I mean, what client is going to say “We need an image for this term life insurance brochure. If only we had photo of a naked woman getting milk poured all over her face and topless chest. I think we’ll have to shoot that… Oh wait, there’s TONS of milk breast stock photography! We’re saved!!”
Sigh.
Bad Stock Art: Helping men get off on selling quality insurance products since 1990.
Okay, now pour the Crunchberries. Oh yyyyyyyessssssss!!!!!
So I was over at The Checkout Girl – she is awesomely hilarious FYI – and I saw this picture and said to myself “Self, I bet there is allllll sorts of naked-girl-getting-splashed-by-milk-that-is-supposed-to-represent-”the money shot”-in-a-super-sexist-maxim-magazine-kind-of-way bad stock out there.”
And I was right.
