Bad Stock Art

Note to professional models seeking work: if you get propositioned by a motivated photographer with buckets of metallic body paint: RUN AWAY. Otherwise you’ll have to get naked and paint yourself up for a never-ending photo shoot featuring you and your glittery, submissive skin. If you’re that desperate for cash, be sure you get paid up front and say ‘no thanks’ to a percentage of the royalties. Because no one is going to buy that shit.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

It really never ends…

High 5 on fumes!

I have a cup.

If you’re confused about what you’re seeing here – it’s because this image is visually confusing. It’s a picture of a different picture of a totally obscured kid hugging his partially obscured mother. Annnnd is that a photo album Mama is holding? Is the kid crying? Are we supposed to be sad? Then add the kid’s hand flying in from the side writing ‘MAMA’ .

THEN after all that, imagine the advertisement that this image can be used in. Good luck with that last part.

Like sharpie on a polaroid, these are the days of our lives.

Yep, another super fabulous artsy photoshop series – I’m going to call it, “Photoshop Sextasy”

Oh yeahhh, render that bitmap all over my face.

And a little creepier, but equally nonsensical and pseudo-dramatic sensual.

You're so hot when your skin slides off your face.

Um, she appears to be happy. Oh yes, she’s threatening to unleash happy all over your stupid face.

Don't make me make you happy... I'll do it.

He’s a sassy old cabbage doctor bunny… must be French. He is, however, wearing pants, so, good times.

What are you looking at, English pig dog?

Hmm, is this before or after? I can’t tell.

So, are you gonna call me?

Seriously, those sunglasses are so 1980’s – I can’t possibly use them, it wouldn’t be believable. I guess I’ll photoshop a more modern pair on his/her head…

Oh, I should probably photoshop a shirt on him/her while I’m at it…

Oh, and get rid of that ridiculous scarf, too.

Oh, and one last thing…

MAYBE I’LL REMOVE THE BABY’S ASSCRACK FROM ITS CHIN AND ADD A MOUTH, NOSE AND HUMAN FUCKING FACIAL FEATURES.

But, other than that, this is p-e-r-f-e-c-t.

Ass on your face, ass on your face, lookin like a fool with that ass on your face.

I really think your product will sell if we can somehow conjure the image of women pooping… Perfect!

Let's all poop our pants.

You know, the seashell with the pretty swirls from your math book? Yeah, didn’t need the 90’s bikini teen to completely steal the focus of the image. In fact, no one needs that. Ever. But hey, the upside of the totally obscured subject matter is the 4 extra hours it will take me to finish the project – and that’s good for my bank account.

Thanks for shelling out the billable hours, bikini girl!

A good sasquatch smile is hard to find. As we all know, bigfoot pictures are few and far between. Too bad that damn creepy girl RUINED this perfectly good one. I guess I’ll photoshop her out….

Just look at that girl ... that wild cannibal look in her eyes ... she's freaking me out.

Reader submitted: Thanks PH for this mythical image.