Bad Stock Art

Is that a fly landing in a pile of shit on your face? Is it a disgusting hairy mole on a creepy mannequin? No, it’s bad stock art. Welcome to our nightmare.

Kiss me, I'm plastic.

This reminds me of those silly Burger King commercials, where the jovial king galavants around spreading burger fun to males aged 18-34. Only, in this commercial, the King is about to have it his way with the baby he chained up in the basement. Also, technically, the photographer does make me feel outrage.

Where's Dateline NBC's Chris Hanson when you need him...

That’s weird, I don’t remember typing “Fallujah” in my search…

Fallujah Barbie comes with a coach bag and a goat.

Oh, to be a first semester art/photography student again… Yeah, when I was in college 1000 years ago, the internet sucked and you couldn’t sell your goth dorm decorations to major stock photography sites – you just had to light candles around them and listen to Marilyn Manson like everyone else.

Goth Barbie Jesus died for your sins

As an evil marketer, there’s nothing worse than exploiting the obsession humans have with their offspring. Oh, except artsy photographers who know this sort of garbage will make them a buck. Sadly, the Hallmark Gods LOVE nonsensical attempts at beauty that sell paper and ink, so the cycle continues.

I'm creative. Love me...

Yep, another super fabulous artsy photoshop series – I’m going to call it, “Photoshop Sextasy”

Oh yeahhh, render that bitmap all over my face.

And a little creepier, but equally nonsensical and pseudo-dramatic sensual.

You're so hot when your skin slides off your face.

Well, at least she’s not eating the baby. But, making out with him is pretty bad, too. Sheesh.

Whoa Mama...

Seriously, those sunglasses are so 1980’s – I can’t possibly use them, it wouldn’t be believable. I guess I’ll photoshop a more modern pair on his/her head…

Oh, I should probably photoshop a shirt on him/her while I’m at it…

Oh, and get rid of that ridiculous scarf, too.

Oh, and one last thing…

MAYBE I’LL REMOVE THE BABY’S ASSCRACK FROM ITS CHIN AND ADD A MOUTH, NOSE AND HUMAN FUCKING FACIAL FEATURES.

But, other than that, this is p-e-r-f-e-c-t.

Ass on your face, ass on your face, lookin like a fool with that ass on your face.

Clearly this photo is a metaphor for the complex feelings men have when they are not the sole breadwinner of their household. They fear their dominant wife because they would literally eat them and their masculinity alive.

Or it could just be a stupid ass picture. I can’t decide.

Gimme some head!

I said JOY, stock art people. JOY. Not my dirty Uncle Ed looking through a peephole at me as I poop.

Waaaaaah.