Bad Stock Art

Not much is more comforting than the warm embrace of a clown.

Mommy the other clowns said they eat bad little boys. You won't eat me, will you, Mom? Mom?

My favorite stock photography site claims this is a mixed-race father and daughter. This may well be true, in which case, bless you and your diverse genetic beauty. But, could you put some shirts on and stop having face sex with the camera? Thanks.

Creepy smile for Daddy. Gross.

Technically, the photography isn’t bad – they did a pretty good job with the whole miniature set thing. Her giant head and tiny legs just creeps me the hell out. Also creepy: photographers making children cry for their shot.

Don't cry kid... you only have to work until you're dead.

Thanks to Elyse M. for this creepy little worker bee.

In my first inaugural cross-contaminated guest blog, we hear from Dr. Faust, blogger over at The Lamest (who said I wasn’t interactive!!). He did all the work on this one, so you can thank him. Take it away!

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This stock photo isn’t using a fish-eye lens for effect, this is an actual photo of a crystal ball which shows how we’ll deal with the large aging population in the future. It makes sense really, at diaper time you can kill two birds with one stone and a kids ability to watch hours of teletubbies means they can put up with grannies long-winded tales about entertaining troupes wearing only a full body petticoat.

Now he cries whenever MeMaw shits herself.

There is nothing more amusing than covering innocent child professionals with disgusting gnarly insects. Tragically, this photographer bypassed the amusement, and hours of mantis wrangling, and opted for the patented photoshop insert and guaranteed fail.

Aaagh!! There's photoshop bullshit on my arm!!!

If you look past the unusable cheesiness of this scene, you’ll notice just what freaks the Europeans are. See, he’s holding euros. You didn’t notice the euros, did you? Nope, you were too busy eyeballing the 16 year olds. It’s okay, we understand. They’re practically legal. They’re your statutory dates.

Know when to walk away, know when to run...

Someday this kid will graduate to actual firearms. Thanks a lot, Dad.

Drag boy is the target of super soaking wet dreams

Thanks Jez for this hilarious madness.

Could this possibly be a whole family of gun-wielding child maniacs? Make Momma proud!

Mister, if you click one more picture I'll shoot ya...

Oh, my bad. I forgot to search for “child WITHOUT FIREARM”. I forget the basics of internet searching sometimes. This image is actually entitled, “Naked boy 8-9 with rifle”. Perfectly innocent.

I call shotgun!

Yeah, didn’t need the zombie kids as much, but yes, they are nice..

Braiinnnnns!

And as if they weren’t useless enough, let’s go for photoshop bloody murder:

We said ... BRRRRAAAAAIIINNNNNS!!!!

Hi, I’m a photographer. I take pictures for people who give me their money. No matter how hard you try, some photos look like complete ass. Like when a kid is blinking in the freakin shot. In those cases, I would never have the audacity to sell the ass photo to a client. Except on the internet.

Ouch! I'm possessed by Lucifer!

While pictures of upset children are amusing enough, some photographers like to step it up a notch.

Fuzzy tears.

The search for “fur hat” unleashed an amazing avalanche of crazy – presumably because only crazies wear fur hats. We’ll let you decide…. This appears to be a child that has been abducted by a sasquatch.

"You cute. Bigfoot keep."

Just so you know, we were searching for children shouting in an excited happy FUN way – but we certainly weren’t looking for psychopathic episodes and/or photoshop face paint. this ingenious SERIES goes on beyond infinity……. i swear…. (and back to my photoshop mantra, just because you can….)

I said I wanted to be a cougar!!

I said I wanted to be Jupiter!!!

I'm moving to America!!!!

The British are coming!!!

Don't look at me, I'm naked!!!!

HELLO!! Meth dealer and PCP dealer???!!!!!!!! Make it a double!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cellular lambchops.