Bad Stock Art

Do I even have to comment on this one? You guys are smart, you’ll think of something.

We didn't order mutton chops!!

Egghead Barbie… She comes with an egg on her head and no clothes or accessories. I wonder if that other lady bit off her real head. I also wonder if she just came out of a chicken’s anus.

Like OMG, I just got laid!

Man, I’ll never catch up to that floating dollar with these tiny legs. Also, that weird shaft coming out of my skull concerns me a little. Maybe I should see a doctor…

Fat head chasing his dreams

As an evil marketer, there’s nothing worse than exploiting the obsession humans have with their offspring. Oh, except artsy photographers who know this sort of garbage will make them a buck. Sadly, the Hallmark Gods LOVE nonsensical attempts at beauty that sell paper and ink, so the cycle continues.

I'm creative. Love me...

Ohhhhhhh, you thought you were done looking at stupid painted metallic hands. Nope. It never ends. EVER!

FEEL my glitter sheen!!

Nor do the objects held by metal hands:

I have an idea - STOP WASTING FILM!!

Note to professional models seeking work: if you get propositioned by a motivated photographer with buckets of metallic body paint: RUN AWAY. Otherwise you’ll have to get naked and paint yourself up for a never-ending photo shoot featuring you and your glittery, submissive skin. If you’re that desperate for cash, be sure you get paid up front and say ‘no thanks’ to a percentage of the royalties. Because no one is going to buy that shit.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

It really never ends…

High 5 on fumes!

I have a cup.

Oh, I get it! An astronaut is coming out of my laptop to dust my fireplace! What convenience! But, what I don’t get is, how do you dust in zero gravity? The dust would just float everywhere. Other than that, this is TOTALLY realistic and NOT making me want to sear my eyelids shut – forsaking vision for the rest of my life. Not at all.

What photoshop diarrhea would look like in zero gravity.

Ohhhhhhhh, so close. It was ALMOST the BEST IMAGE EVER. If only Snuggles had looked up at that moment like Stinky and Twinky. Oh well, let’s sell it to a stock photo site anyway.

Pictures of your cats do not an advertisement make.

If you’re confused about what you’re seeing here – it’s because this image is visually confusing. It’s a picture of a different picture of a totally obscured kid hugging his partially obscured mother. Annnnd is that a photo album Mama is holding? Is the kid crying? Are we supposed to be sad? Then add the kid’s hand flying in from the side writing ‘MAMA’ .

THEN after all that, imagine the advertisement that this image can be used in. Good luck with that last part.

Like sharpie on a polaroid, these are the days of our lives.

Join us on a journey through time and space … where typical, sexist nonsense is laid out before you in an undulating rope swing of fantasy. Also, buying our product makes all your man dreams come true. Thanks pagalina for this fantastical reader submission:

Advertising: where things that will never happen happen.